Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
