woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
