the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
