why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't turn off my feet"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize