i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
