She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
