in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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