She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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