I bet he comes in French.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
