It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
