i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
