The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
