tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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