this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
