Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
