You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
