Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
