We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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