So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize