Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
