I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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