the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
