aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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