I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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