Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
