walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
