Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
