First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
