fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
