I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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