you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
