I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My liver just had a heart attack.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
