remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
