Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
