SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
