I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
