He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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