She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize