Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
