peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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