Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
