Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
