Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
