sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
