omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
