yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
