Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
