Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
