Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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