you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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