Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
