Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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