i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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