just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
