There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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