bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
