Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
