If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
