New invention idea: vibrating tampons
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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