Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
