how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
